An article in the December 10th edition of USA TODAY claimed 76 million cellular telephones are in use in the nation. I was sitting in an airport reading the news. I counted two dozen of the 76 million without ever fully lowering the newspaper or turning around in my seat. Probably USA had dealt with so many political polls, they felt an under call safer than telling the truth that U.S.A, the country, was knee deep in cell phones and likely to flood any day.

Raising the speed limit in Texas to 70 miles an hour to include a 10 mile an hour give or take for rush hour and holiday traffic looked like a good remedy to reduce the overall amount of road time, thus thin the motorists talking on the phone while driving. However, until the raise, a safe margin was possible from telephone drivers by using the nine eleven rule to keep a sense of peril in mind. To wit: "when the back bumper of the driver in front passes a pole or marker, begin spelling nine eleven." As long as you finish before arriving at the pole, you can brake or swerve if the caller becomes upset over a wrong number, or a wrong answer from the right number.

But, after the speed limit increased, I wasn't able to take my eyes off the road long enough to find a starting point. Just about the time I spelled "n-i-n-e," an old boy would swish by looking at his dashboard, talking to his old bookie or his new girlfriend, and I'd finish shouting something like, "NINE GOSH-A-MIGHTY ELEVEN!"

And this isn't talking about traffic like in the Northeast or on the West Coast. On a busy morning from Mertzon to San Angelo, 50 or 60 vehicles are headed west and perhaps a few more toward the city carrying on cellular talkathons that'd make a tobacco auctioneer think he was tongue-tied.

On cow sale days, herders pulling gooseneck loads of cattle to market are a major force in the traffic. The ranchers never look off. A paint mare nursing a colt by the road might catch our eyes, but otherwise our minds center on staying in the right lane and on the cargo destined to sell.

In the same article in USA TODAY, there was a story about the Mayor of Brooklyn, Ohio, issuing an order to fine drivers $3 for talking on the phone. His Honor witnessed a rear-end accident out front of City Hall from a prolonged call keeping an ol boy's foot from the brake. So you might say he was "provoked into action." I can't tell you where he arrived at the sum of $3 for a fine, unless he was up for reelection and wanted to straddle the fence on telephoning and driving charges.

Scientists have discovered another danger of using cell phones. Preliminary tests show cellular telephones are causing mice to be forgetful. (I am not making this up. The source is buried underneath a pile of papers on this desk.) Telling an absent-minded mouse from a well-oriented one is bound to be difficult enough without having to tell whether he has become forgetful. Holes have to be set up side by side; pleasant and unpleasant snacks alternated and recorded.

I am unsure of how the connection developed between mice, mouse memories and cellular telephones. Laboratory specimens raised for generations in cages are left-brained animals good at details, devoted to science and theory, but poor at building a pretty nest, or any other right-brained activity. Perhaps the whole test started from the way we humans misplace cordless telephones in our own bedrooms. I like to think we are smarter than mice, but it doesn't always look that way.

The danger of more memory loss from being around my mobile phone on top of aging faster than the beaches dissolve in the sea really hit hard. The only logical thing I knew was to establish a baseline and run a test every 30 days. So using a stop watch, I timed how long it took to remember the name of the painter James McNeil Whistler and the name of an old friend, Horace Neil Goodson. Three separate tests on three different days showed an average recall of 21 minutes flat with a four-minute penalty for mismatching the "Mc" on Horace Neil's name two out of three tries.

Now I will be able to catch any memory degeneration from the cellular phone, if I remember where I wrote down "the 21 minutes flat." Be just like a worthy in Ohio to double the fine on talking while driving to six bucks. His Honor has his nerve to impose a penalty on man's right to gab in motion ...

January 20, 2000